So. . .here’s the update. Late Friday, after I’d had a really good, productive, satisfying day, the Adderal started to wear off. It was gradual, but there was no question in my mind that I could feel the change creeping up on me, and it made me very melancholic. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong, and it finally occurred to me. . .you know those movies where the guy is blind and is cured by some amazing operation or drug, and he experiences the wonders of sight for the first time – but it goes bad, and the movie ends with his sad descent back into darkness? That last part – that’s what it felt like. My mental processes had been so clear, my energy and motivation so high, my positive feelings about my ability to do the things I’d put off until they became daunting so strong! Bit by bit, though, the thoughts started intruding on each other again, tripping over each other, and I started looking at the undone things, the ones that sneer and mock me, instead of all the progress I’d made. Fortunately, coming to this realization that it was just going back to “normal” and that it would all be better in the morning helped. We just hung out and relaxed, watched some TV, and amazingly enough, I slept like a log.

When I woke up Saturday (day four with Adderal) I felt pretty refreshed, a little stiff and sore from a combination of activity and a long hard sleep, but ready to go. I took the pill after breakfast, and just as the old feeling of not having gotten enough sleep after all began to bother me, the medication took the edge off it, then eliminated it. The day was slow to get started, just a lazy Saturday without any real plans, kids sleeping in, and so on. After everyone was finally up, though, we decided to go out shopping. This is something we all really enjoy doing together, believe it or not. Comp USA is closing most of their stores, so we went there to see what was on sale (not much, actually, or not much that was worth getting) then I popped into a shoe store next door, and when I found out that the shoes were all 50% off the MARKED price, hubby took the kids down to the bookstore so I could browse some more. Then we went across to Best Buy, where we indulged ourselves with new CDs (mostly). I even remembered which ones we’d talked about getting. Woohoo! An early, overpriced dinner at a chain restaurant, then off to the mall to get a couple of other things, then home to watch a movie. It was relaxed, no time limits, no particular expectations, and I really enjoyed spending the time together. We were walking the mall when I started to feel the diminishment of the Adderal, but it didn’t get me down the way it did the night before. I knew there was nothing else I wanted to do that day that I wasn’t already doing, and I also knew that Sunday would be another good day. Oh, and one other thing I noticed – while I was waiting for the kids to finish getting ready to leave the house, I sat down with a book. It wasn’t until I’d put it down that I realized that I hadn’t had to re-read a single page. Reading has been very frustrating for me for some time because I’d get to a point in what I was reading and realize that I didn’t remember a single word because I’d been thinking something else at the same time. I’d have to go back until I found where I’d lost track and start over. Sometimes I’d end up re-reading enough times that I’d just give up. This way is much nicer.

Today I woke up feeling pretty darned good – I hadn’t dropped off to sleep immediately the way I did Friday, but it was still pretty fast, and again, it was a long, almost uninterrupted sleep. Got the bagels, read some newspaper, gathered up the polymer clay stuff and the eldest daughter, and never even felt that creeping tiredness. We headed up to Lincroft and enjoyed a lovely three hours, made some things, learned some things. . .and I remember the techniques I watched people talk about and demonstrate, because I could pay attention to them without getting distracted. Usually, I see something that looks like it would be fun to do, and while I’m supposed to be learning how to do it, my mind is racing frantically around trying to figure out how else I could apply the technique, so I end up not really grasping how to do it in the first place. As with the reading, this way is much better. Audrey and I headed up to Whole Foods for a late lunch, did some grocery shopping, and I remembered everything that was on my list, even though I left the list at home (because if I brought it, I’d cross off the stuff we got and bury the list in my purse, and there were a number of non-Whole Foods items on it, so I’ll need it for later. Not because I forgot. Heh.) Finished reading the papers, and even though I was approaching the end of my 10th hour, it was still a little easier to read without getting sidetracked. Not perfect, but better than usual. Quick dinner, get the kids to practice their music, then we’ll watch Doctor Who (gotta love bittorrent!) and I might even be able to stay up later than the kids tonight.

Other good stuff I’m noticing is that certain habits are easier to resist while the drug is effective – might be able to lose weight and get my skin cleared up if I can get a dose that works the whole time I’m awake. Plus, I’m not spending nearly as much time vegging in front of the computer – not just because I’ve been keeping myself busy with other things, but because it doesn’t have as much appeal. Even when I’ve got time to do nothing in particular, I’m reading or finding something else outside of blog and forum reading to do. I have to stick with this dose for a full month, and we’ll see how it works and how to tweak it when that month’s over, but so far I’ve had nothing even marginally bad enough to outweigh the good.

My doctor was reluctant to put me on it (it would refute his diagnosis of depression mimicking the symptoms of ADD) but my therapist, who knows about these things, insisted it would help. So this is day three.

Day one, I drove up to have an afternoon with Gayle and Janet. Now, we’ve been friends since 1978, so we always have a good time, and talk more than anyone else could stand. I wasn’t sure I was feeling any effect, except that while I was driving, my eye movements were faster and more precise. I am always checking all three mirrors, looking out the side windows, and back out front, trying to stay on top of what’s happening around me. Normally, my gaze kind of pans from one place to another. As the medicine kicked in, my ability to glance away from the front and back again got much more snappy. The second thing, I noticed in retrospect. When the three of us talk, the subject changes frequently – we’re very stream-of-consciousness – and sometimes we’ll interrupt or talk over each other. Just the way it is, but my ability and method of going with this has been different depending on what my brain is being treated on (or not). Paxil initially gave me a patience to sit back and listen, but as it wore off I found myself resentful that I couldn’t keep up – I was slowed down, and thought of something to say well after the subject had changed. When I went off it, all that pent-up stuff made me chatter, and I’m sure that I talked too much and interrupted too often. However, when the depression returned, heck, I just didn’t want to talk at all. I started Cymbalta, which has worked very, very well, it was pretty easy to get back into the swing of things, but I was still having trouble with coming up with something to say well after it was appropriate, and getting very frustrated. This time, though, not only was I thinking thoughts and saying things that were germane to the topic at hand, but if we moved on, the thoughts I hadn’t said stayed there. . .and if it became appropriate to say them at a later time, I remembered them then. . .and if it never came up later, I was able to put them aside and not get frustrated that I wouldn’t be able to say what I was thinking before it disappeared forever. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced that in my lifetime. It’s always been a race to say what I’m thinking before what I’m thinking gets buried under all the other million thoughts that pile up every moment. The only bad thing was that about 11 hours after I took the Adderal, I started to feel a burning sensation on my lip that slowly increased, then suddenly spread very quickly down my neck, chest, and upper back. I could feel some panic, but rather than succumbing, I checked the net for interactions and side effects and found nothing I should worry about. The next day I checked on some forums for ADD and found that it’s actually pretty common the first time you use Adderal.

Day two I was hit with euphoria and tons of energy. This is remarkably good, because normally I’m exhausted, too tired to do anything, and then I can’t sleep at night because I didn’t do the things I wanted to do and I ruminate. I started cleaning the house and found myself catching up with some tasks I’d put off because I was afraid I’d start them, get to a point where they were a worse mess than before, and lose heart. I sang while I worked. It’s been so long since I’ve sung out loud, the dog got nervous. Really, it freaked her out. By the time the medication started to wear off, again about 11 hours, I was tired but not exhausted (even though I was sore from so much unaccustomed activity) and my mood, while not euphoric, was good – I had gotten so much done, and the house looked so nice and uncluttered. I didn’t get the burning sensation or any feeling of panic, but I still had some trouble falling asleep. I didn’t feel anxious about the sleep, though, and looked forward to day three.

Today is day three. My mood is good, but not as extreme as yesterday. A little tired, partly from being so busybusybusy, and partly from lack of sleep. However, again I dove into my to-do list, not fearing running out of steam, but looking forward to getting these stupid, nagging little things out of the way. I drove the kids to school, dropped the van off for service, and actually remembered the mileage and the parking space number (although I did forget my cell phone to call hubby for a ride. Can’t have everything.) Carolyn had asked me to bake three kinds of cookies. Last night I told her that was a pretty tall order, but today, I did it, and frankly, I’m amazed. Normally, the kitchen is a mess, I’ve used just about every measuring implement, and something got overbaked when I left the room and started doing something else, or forgot to set the timer. Today. . .holy cow. I started baking one batch. I set the timer for the first sheet, put the second sheet together, set another timer for that, hand washed everything. Noticed for the first time in the dozen or so years I’ve owned them, my cookie scoops have size numbers. Took out the first sheet, timed it to sit for one minute, realized for the first time in my life (honest to goodness, don’t laugh at me please) that you can gently place your finger on the cookie and get the spatula all the way under it instead of having it break in half or smoosh the cookie you push it against. While I was waiting for the second sheet, I mixed the next batch of cookies, using the same measuring cups and spoons, mixing bowl and beater – because I’d washed them. OMG. While it was mixing, got the second sheet cleared, remembered to use a potholder, and wiped the bottom cookie sheet and put on the second batch. Put it in, wiped the second sheet and put the cookies on, cleaned up during baking, put the cooled cookies in a container. . .you get the picture. I also realized (again for the first time) that if I actually used the scoop to scoop out just that much instead of overfilling, and scraping off the extra dough on the outside, the cookies all come out the same size. This may seem elementary – obviously, you buy a cookie scoop so you can get uniformly sized cookies, right? For me, though, I always was just scooping and dropping without thought, and wondering why the cookies were all different sizes. As well, I realized that if I put the cookies on the sheets using my flat cooktop, and putting them on the cooling rack on the counter (instead of spreading out all over the counter and having no space) it went smoothly and was easier to clean up. I’m sure that most people will read all this and think, “Well, duh,” but the issue for me has always been lack of attention and easy distraction. Whatever space I can find before the cookies burn. Fudging measurements because I didn’t use cups for dry ingredients before wet. Losing track of time, forgetting I was baking. When I was done, the kitchen was still clean. I remembered to switch loads of laundry, vacuumed the rugs >before< mixing up the solution to wash the floor, cleaned the part of the other floor where I'd put the rugs while I was washing in the kitchen >before< walking in holding a bunch of folded-up rugs. . .and again, I've been tackling the little tasks that pile up and eventually make big messes. Of course, in all this, not only was I all caught up in the joy of accomplishment, but the Adderal decreases hunger - hubby just now came in and told me that it was too late to go out to lunch together as we'd planned. Well, it can't all be perfect.

I went to the endodontist yesterday.

He loaded me up with novocaine, took out the heavy-duty dental tools, and excavated my tooth right up into the bone. By about 8 last night, the glands in my neck had shrunk down to normal size, and the pain in my temple and eye were gone. My ear still feels a little uncomfortable today, but the tooth pain is almost nonexistent.

The worst of it is the wicked awful headache.

I spent an hour and a half in the chair, and there were a couple of points where the novocaine wasn’t quite enough, so I was tensed up for most of it. Add in that I was getting serious grinding and drilling, and you have the makings of just the kind of pain I have. But it’s nothing like before, and I know it’ll get better now, because the abcess is out. I don’t want to have to use the Percocet this weekend, but I will if I have to.

Tuesday everything gets cleaned up and sealed, and Wednesday I go to a new GP to see if the ear has managed to escape an infection of its own.

I can hardly wait to start feeling normal again, and get something done during the day other than napping and popping pain pills.