Tag Archives: Wellness

Aug16

Change of Life. . .

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Change of Life. . .

Well, not the kind you might be thinking. That, unfortunately, seems to be a long time in coming. Life, though, is changing.

I didn’t realize how much the crap with Smart Carpet was stressing me out. I still have a bit left to go, because they pulled up the laminate floors and laid the carpet, but I still haven’t gotten my refund. I need to call now that it’s been three weeks, but I’ve had some impositions on my time, especially during “business hours.” We’re not done with putting furniture and decor back into their final destinations, but the fact that we can makes a big difference in my mood. A lot of the stress was having stuff stashed all over the house, so the two rooms with the defective floors looked like they were still works in progress, and the others looked like trash repositories. Never knowing if some inspector or installer was going to come, what time to expect them, and how long they might stay was driving me nuts. Arguing with them and being insulted by them didn’t help, either. Getting it down to just fighting about the money is a lot easier to deal with.

But just when you think you’re in the clear. . .

Mom dislocated her artificial hip last weekend. Dislocating a joint that no longer has tendons and ligaments to help hold it in place is way worse than dislocating an intact natural joint. 4 days and three nights in the hospital, reduction needing to be done under general anesthesia, physical therapy both in the hospital and yet to come, possible surgery to replace the replacement joint, and a restriction on driving that might be permanent. It’s been difficult for her, but it’s also been difficult for me and my Dad. You see, Dad is legally blind, can’t hear too well even with his hearing aids, and is starting to have memory problems that really disturb him because he knows exactly what he’s forgetting and can’t find it anywhere in his head. He has always been self-sufficient, and justifiably proud of his abilities, but now he needs to be taken care of, and so does mom, and his hands are tied.

I’ve always expected that, as the oldest child, the one geographically closest, and with the most flexibility (no outside job, older kids, husband who can work from home if needed), I’d be the one doing the caretaking in whatever capacity they needed. It’s one thing to know that philosophically, another to actually do it. Every other time I’ve driven out and spent time with them, it’s been for something clearly temporary like an illness or operation, or doing something in the house or garden that I’m more able to do than they are. When I go out there to help, it’s pretty clear that they’ll work things out, pulling together to overcome each others’ obstacles and do things according to their abilities. I’ve seen them aging, but never thought of them as “old”. I still don’t, but at the same time I know there are a lot of things I’m denying.

Right now, I spent time taking Dad back and forth for visits for a couple of days to the hospital, gave them some advice about taking advantage of some things they’re entitled to that will make their lives easier, get things ready in the house so Mom could get around and Dad could find stuff, and yesterday I did some grocery shopping for them so they’d have some things Mom could cook without standing for too long. They’re certain that they’ll be able to get around soon with the help of friends and senior transportation, and I nod and agree with them optimistically. It would be nice if they could, because they’re really independent and very busy with activities and friends that they truly enjoy, but I have to face the reality that I’m going to be stepping in more and more often.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them. I’m glad that hubby thought ahead and realized that me getting an outside job would be impractical even after the kids start becoming more independent. We’ve thought it through, planned for a few different scenarios, have a pretty good understanding of what changes might be coming for all of us in the future.

It’s different to face the reality, though. No matter how well you think it out, it doesn’t evoke the same emotions as actually experiencing it. All conflicts and difficulties are surmountable in theory, and you can prepare yourself magnificently for changes and compromises when you’re making practical plans.

People who’ve seen me in emergencies and tough situations that need strength and certainty know that I can pull it off like a pro. I swoop in, do what has to be done, take care of the things that need to be taken care of, make the arrangements that need to be made, negotiate, comfort, do battle, even, when needed. I’m the cool head, the one who knows what to do, the fixer. Hail the conquering hero! I wait until everything’s taken care of, everyone feels better and has been settled in, “my work here is done.” And that’s when I have the time to think, “ohshitohshitohshit. . .” My wonderful hubby helps so much, picking up the slack at home, letting me vent, helping in any way he can. But even with him, my muscles tense up. My fears and uncertainties come out in dreams and disturb my sleep. I wake up with pain in my neck and ear from clenching my teeth at night.

This will pass. I know it will. It always does, as the new thing becomes just another part of my life. It’s the change that’s hard.

Jul29

ADD arguments

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ADD arguments

Pharyngula had a post about ADD that led inevitably to commentors decrying ADD as an imaginary condition, overdiagnosed, unnecessarily medicated, etc. Of course, it got me riled, as someone who has it, and had trouble getting diagnosis and medication, and can now see a significant positive difference. My comment was long, people might not read it there because of that, so I’m quoting myself here:

I find that arguments about AD(H)D tend to sound a lot like arguments by fundamental religionists against atheism or homosexuality. You know, pronouncements of absolutes by people who have no personal experience. Yeah, just like that.

Think a Mile in My Brain, guys and gals.

My brother and I both have ADD. So did my uncle and maternal grandmother. I’m a bit skeptical of “acquired ADD” because almost every other ADDer I know or have spoken with belongs to a family with ADD and/or other related problems. If you’ve gone through life with this wild and crazy brain, you know that one way or another, you need to adapt to Neurotypical environments and situations all the time. School is the first one, and your success or failure in this is a major determinant of your success or failure in life. Not only is the structure a bad fit with your thinking pattern, but you have endless opportunities to be rejected socially and have no idea why, to try and try and try and be called a failure, to spend hours more than everyone else doing the same things and be told you’re not working hard enough. Unless they start making ADD schools, it’s the ADD student who has to adapt. Someone whose ADD is milder might be able to manage his or her behavior enough to cope, but for some it simply isn’t possible. Or wasn’t, until now, with medications.

If you do manage to get through the school environment, you’re faced with another challenge, the work environment. Some jobs are better suited to an ADD mind than others, but an ADDer who’s been mentally all over the place except for the directed learning situation in school might have a terrible time finding or keeping even these, since it involves committing to a single thing – making one kind of product, focusing on a single skill, repeating a particular action – even if the environment itself changes enough to be stimulating. Plus, it involves a completely different skill set than what you may have found effective during school, and there are no teachers or psychologists giving you suggestions on the best way to get organized and stay focused. Some of us could make a lifelong career out of finding the best way to organize a file cabinet or supply closet, and that’s nowhere near as funny as it sounds.

People who don’t have ADD, or are not living with someone with ADD, don’t have an inkling. Do you walk into a room and forget what you were there for? Do you lose your keys? Do you sometimes find yourself unable to concentrate because something else is on your mind? Sure you do. But I bet you can’t imagine what it’s like for this to be the way every single thing is in your life, every hour of every day. Stand in a room. Put a movie on the TV, turn on the radio, open up a book, get out the vacuum cleaner, and make some phone calls. Try to pay attention to all of them at once. It’s only a tiny taste.

I spent over 40 years like this, edging gradually towards a depression that was almost suicidal, coping on antidepressants, but only just, mental chaos and clutter echoed constantly by my physical surroundings. Yeah, I could probably have managed to cope for the rest of my life, and deal with never feeling like I was ever good enough, smart enough, creative enough, or deserving enough. However, I finally started medications, and I can tell you first hand that regardless of side effects or potential failings, or any other negative thing you can say about them, you don’t know how good they are. You have no idea.

I can see why kids would be less likely to abuse other “drugs”, because when your brain is your enemy like this, you self-medicate. The stimulants help you calm down and focus. More of them, please. Alcohol makes you more energetic and gregarious, and when you drink enough you can blame your failings on the alcohol rather than yourself – plus, you fall asleep, which is a rare and wonderful thing. You try to find something that will either help you focus, or help you forget, because you are, after all, a sub-prime human being who’s never tried hard enough or worked up to potential, which is why you’re a failure! The stimulants for ADD, though, make it so you can think of one thing at a time. They make it so you can remember what you’re supposed to remember. They make it so you can prioritize, and finish what you start before starting something new. They make it so that the opportunities for negative criticism from others and by yourself are minimized, and success breeds success. The need to self-medicate to overcome the thought obstacles and the negative self-image becomes less and less.

My understanding of AD(H)D is longstanding and personal. I’ve exhibited almost all the symptoms, have several of the comorbid conditions, and have gone through a whole lot of therapeutic approaches (and self-medicating approaches) before reaching the point now where I wish I had been this person I am for all those previous years. A child who genuinely has ADD might not be able to articulate as well the problems he has without medications, or the specific benefits he gains with them, but they’re there. If the medications help him or her to avoid the frustration and misery that’s almost inevitable during an unmedicated childhood and adolescence (and adulthood) then nobody should be denying him its benefits. Especially someone who has no clue what it’s like to live with ADD.

The blog article cited in the post is here, which links to the studies from which the information came, and is followed by comments just like Pharyngula’s.

Apr2

Day Six, Morning

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Day Six, Morning

Last night, I tried sleeping without ativan. I wouldn’t say it was a complete failure, but it could have been better. However, when I got out of bed, I anticipated how good the day was going to be, and was in a great mood regardless of my lack of sleep. The Adderal started kicking in faster, about an hour after I took it instead of almost 2 hours. I got on the treadmill, did some straightening, decided to get a start on the piles of papers and receipts all over my desk (good, because I’ve been afraid of starting it and getting halfway done for so long that it was becoming a major source of stress.) I made a to-do list that was reasonable and flexible, and when I was going around the house straightening, I saw something that I needed to add to a to-do list. . .and then stopped, realizing that it wasn’t urgent, and that if I saw it today and it reminded me it needed doing, I’ll see it again another day when I’m actually looking for something to do. The adderal isn’t suppressing my hunger as much as it did a few days ago, but I’m testing how much self-discipline it gives me by tracking points. It’s not making me euphoric, but it’s helping me to feel optimistic. It’s not making me wired, but it’s keeping me from feeling desperate for more sleep (or for sleep as an escape from indecision.) I’m not down when it starts to wear off, but I sure do wish it lasted longer.