The zaps are pretty darned annoying at night, I have to tell you.  I finally gave up and took a sleeping pill about 12:30, because I’d drift off, and in a short period, be awakened by one.  You know how you sometimes have those not-quite-asleep things where you’re semi-dreaming of walking down stairs and suddenly missing a step and physically jerking awake?  All.  Night.  Long.  The sleeping pill lasted until almost 5:30, and at 6:30 I figured it was just time to give it up.  Read the papers.  Had a high-protein breakfast.  Lit a nice fire in the fireplace – family slept through the smoke alarm.  Hmmm.  I guess not being able to sleep for shit might be a good thing.  At least if we have a fire.  I can see a nap (or an attempted nap) in my future today. 

Once everyone’s awake, I’m going to hit the treadmill – work off some food from yesterday and try to tire myself out a bit.  I had thought last night that I’d hit the gym, but it’s probably better if I don’t drive until my brain is a bit less problematic.  This is really only the third day of this, and I know it’ll stop, but boy, does it make me irritable when I can’t sleep.

The myth. . .the legend!

I had an epiphany in therapy yesterday.  Part of the reason for my depression, for my need to medicate myself, came from wanting to be normal.  Along with not caring so much what people say and allowing that to prevent me from speaking my mind, getting older has led to the thought that. . .Hey!  I’m not normal!  I have ADD!  No matter how many medications I take or how much therapy I go through, them’s the facts!  Deal with it.  I’ll function as best I can, but I’m not going to be like everyone else.  And I’m going to stop beating myself up about it.  Fact:  I’m going to forget things easily.  Fact:  I’m going to be easily distracted and leave a wake of partially-finished stuff everywhere I go.  Fact:  I’m not ever going to think linearly.  Fact:  My house is not going to be as clean, my desk and other work areas are not going to be as organized, I’m going to forget names, need reminding of dates and appointments, and have wild swings in mood and energy, and IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!  It’s hard-wired into my brain, and while I’ll work on coping skills, if I mess up, I’m not going to beat myself up.  No more thinking I’m a failure when I forget my shopping list.  No more wishing I was more like this person or that person. 

The interesting thing is, I’m off my Paxil – and last time, I couldn’t stand the zaps (the sudden overwhelming bursts of dizziness that come with SSRI withdrawal, for those who don’t know.) this time I’m kind of having a fun time with them.  It’s like my brain is playing Pong in hyperspace.  I’m going to avoid driving until they’re gone, try to sneak in a bit more sleep, and I know they’ll be over and done with in a few days.  I’m looking forward to those bursts of intensity where I get so involved in something that I need to set an alarm to remind me when to stop.  I’m realizing that the key to dealing with the ADD and avoiding the depression is to just go with it, and to keep things simple.  Lower the expectations that are imposed from outside, anyway.  Anything that has to get done, if it really has to get done, will get done.  And if things are still left on lists, well, that’s what lists are for.  I’m looking forward to the first time I realize, truly and deeply, that I didn’t do something as well as someone without ADD, or I forgot something inanely simple, and I shrug my shoulders and go on. When I understand that it’s not a character flaw or an indication of my failure as a person, just me being me.  Because I’m looking forward to it, I know it’s going to happen.  And I may even remember to write it here!  Woohoo!

I had forgotten why I went on Concerta in the first place until this past week, when I had to stop taking it. It had worked so well on allowing me to focus and concentrate and even just to think in a straight line. Now I remember – my ADD has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and I’m really having trouble functioning mentally. I’m either totally focused – at best, on something productive; at worst on something time-wasting – or I’m off in all directions, overwhelmed, unable even to complete sentences. Not only is this frustrating in and of itself, but it irritates me to sound stupid when I know darn well that I’m highly intelligent. Mentally, it’s like you know you need the scissors – the scissors are in the desk – the desk is in the office – and you open the door to the office only to find a 6-foot pile of books and papers and boxes and junk blocking your way to the desk. You start off the thought or the sentence with a clear destination, a beginning and an end, and somewhere in the middle, the mental floodgates open and you’re blocked with an overwhelming number of other thoughts that are connected with the origin and the destination but that impede your progress insistently. I’m thinking about the scissors, but the books and papers and junk are all screaming at me “NONONO!!! THINK OF MEEEEEE!” And despite this, I know I want the scissors. I know they’re there. In fact, I know EXACTLY where they are. I just can’t get to them, so I stand in the doorway stock-still, staring at the pile.

The problem is that, clearly, I can’t take the medications that are stimulants, because they have side effects I can’t tolerate (my heart was not particularly happy with Concerta. . .) but I can’t take the non-stimulants and my Paxil at the same time. I don’t know if I have the options of being focused and depressed or scattered and emotionally functional, or whether a non-stimulant ADD medication will help the depression by allowing me to think straight. Gotta call the doctor.