I hardly slept at all last night. It has been a very, very long time since something has bothered me enough that it kept me awake and ruminating. I received correspondence accusing me of malicious (and in one case, illegal) acts. It was in the form of a Cease-And-Desist letter, and I knew it would be impossible to obey since I had not done any of the things I was accused of. When I pressed the author for evidence, obviously none could be supplied. Following correspondence pretended the accusations had never been made and further accused me of not understanding why it was important to threaten people with legal action if someone told someone that they heard that the person might have broken a rule. After being accused without foundation, then insulted and patronized, I received the classic notpology. . .”I’m sorry you have a problem.” Yeah, that kind.

Although this was regarding one of my passionate interests, I decided I could not continue to associate with people who would treat me with such disregard. I’m sad at having to give up something I love, angry at being treated like a recalcitrant child, disappointed that someone I consider a friend is now caught in the middle (but is mature and self-confident enough not to take sides.)

Well, they say no good deed goes unpunished.

You know, despite all the therapy, medication, introspection, and self analysis, despite being older and wiser and having had all kinds of experience with all kinds of people, I still get these visceral reactions to certain things. While being told something that gets me defensive and angry still causes a physical reaction as well, I can at least keep myself from saying or doing something in response that I might regret later.

It’s still hard, though, don’t you think? You want to do something right away, whether it’s yell and scream, hide somewhere for a good cry, or give in to your juvenile side and dish out some snark. And the whole time that you’re being patient, waiting for a response to your calm and rational counterargument, that inner child is pounding away at you, demanding something melodramatic.

I will let inner child out only when she’s ready to behave herself. Right now she has to sit in the corner.

Ellie and Emma were trapped, along with two other cats from their litter, and put up for adoption. Their siblings, although feral, were social, and got adopted quickly. These two, though, were very skittish and frightened. I’d been treating them with tuna and cheese and chicken when I went to clean the cages, and when I managed to get Ellie to sit on my lap, I was asked to take them home to try to socialize them.

I let them out into the house too early, though, and they spent a few days hiding. We brought them into our bedroom so we could keep them out of trouble and separated from the other animals for a bit. They spent their time hiding under the bed, coming out only when they needed to use the litterbox (they held it in a lot!) and when I gave them food. I started by putting dry food in a bowl and sitting close to them, but if they wanted tuna or chicken or cheese, they had to take it from my fingers. They’d come out only when I was feeding them, and dash under the bed again if there was any noise or movement. I began stroking them while they ate, from behind and from the neck back, so they wouldn’t be startled, and they’d associate me with food and petting. Ellie warmed up first, and could be picked up and held, would sit in my lap to be petted, but still went to hide. Emma liked to be petted on her back while she was out, but wouldn’t let me touch her head unless she was under the bed. I didn’t know how long it would take to get them over their fear and interested in socializing with people and other animals. Well, between last night and this morning there was a breakthrough.

I’d gotten Emma on my lap briefly last night. This morning, they came out to greet me, and purred and rubbed against me without any promise of food. I lured Emma onto my lap with a trail of food, and she stayed, enjoying having her head and neck scratched. And what you don’t see in this picture is that the dog and two of the cats are also in the room. I hope we can get them adopted this weekend!