I hardly slept at all last night. It has been a very, very long time since something has bothered me enough that it kept me awake and ruminating. I received correspondence accusing me of malicious (and in one case, illegal) acts. It was in the form of a Cease-And-Desist letter, and I knew it would be impossible to obey since I had not done any of the things I was accused of. When I pressed the author for evidence, obviously none could be supplied. Following correspondence pretended the accusations had never been made and further accused me of not understanding why it was important to threaten people with legal action if someone told someone that they heard that the person might have broken a rule. After being accused without foundation, then insulted and patronized, I received the classic notpology. . .”I’m sorry you have a problem.” Yeah, that kind.

Although this was regarding one of my passionate interests, I decided I could not continue to associate with people who would treat me with such disregard. I’m sad at having to give up something I love, angry at being treated like a recalcitrant child, disappointed that someone I consider a friend is now caught in the middle (but is mature and self-confident enough not to take sides.)

Well, they say no good deed goes unpunished.

You know, despite all the therapy, medication, introspection, and self analysis, despite being older and wiser and having had all kinds of experience with all kinds of people, I still get these visceral reactions to certain things. While being told something that gets me defensive and angry still causes a physical reaction as well, I can at least keep myself from saying or doing something in response that I might regret later.

It’s still hard, though, don’t you think? You want to do something right away, whether it’s yell and scream, hide somewhere for a good cry, or give in to your juvenile side and dish out some snark. And the whole time that you’re being patient, waiting for a response to your calm and rational counterargument, that inner child is pounding away at you, demanding something melodramatic.

I will let inner child out only when she’s ready to behave herself. Right now she has to sit in the corner.