Aug16

Change of Life. . .

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Change of Life. . .

Well, not the kind you might be thinking. That, unfortunately, seems to be a long time in coming. Life, though, is changing.

I didn’t realize how much the crap with Smart Carpet was stressing me out. I still have a bit left to go, because they pulled up the laminate floors and laid the carpet, but I still haven’t gotten my refund. I need to call now that it’s been three weeks, but I’ve had some impositions on my time, especially during “business hours.” We’re not done with putting furniture and decor back into their final destinations, but the fact that we can makes a big difference in my mood. A lot of the stress was having stuff stashed all over the house, so the two rooms with the defective floors looked like they were still works in progress, and the others looked like trash repositories. Never knowing if some inspector or installer was going to come, what time to expect them, and how long they might stay was driving me nuts. Arguing with them and being insulted by them didn’t help, either. Getting it down to just fighting about the money is a lot easier to deal with.

But just when you think you’re in the clear. . .

Mom dislocated her artificial hip last weekend. Dislocating a joint that no longer has tendons and ligaments to help hold it in place is way worse than dislocating an intact natural joint. 4 days and three nights in the hospital, reduction needing to be done under general anesthesia, physical therapy both in the hospital and yet to come, possible surgery to replace the replacement joint, and a restriction on driving that might be permanent. It’s been difficult for her, but it’s also been difficult for me and my Dad. You see, Dad is legally blind, can’t hear too well even with his hearing aids, and is starting to have memory problems that really disturb him because he knows exactly what he’s forgetting and can’t find it anywhere in his head. He has always been self-sufficient, and justifiably proud of his abilities, but now he needs to be taken care of, and so does mom, and his hands are tied.

I’ve always expected that, as the oldest child, the one geographically closest, and with the most flexibility (no outside job, older kids, husband who can work from home if needed), I’d be the one doing the caretaking in whatever capacity they needed. It’s one thing to know that philosophically, another to actually do it. Every other time I’ve driven out and spent time with them, it’s been for something clearly temporary like an illness or operation, or doing something in the house or garden that I’m more able to do than they are. When I go out there to help, it’s pretty clear that they’ll work things out, pulling together to overcome each others’ obstacles and do things according to their abilities. I’ve seen them aging, but never thought of them as “old”. I still don’t, but at the same time I know there are a lot of things I’m denying.

Right now, I spent time taking Dad back and forth for visits for a couple of days to the hospital, gave them some advice about taking advantage of some things they’re entitled to that will make their lives easier, get things ready in the house so Mom could get around and Dad could find stuff, and yesterday I did some grocery shopping for them so they’d have some things Mom could cook without standing for too long. They’re certain that they’ll be able to get around soon with the help of friends and senior transportation, and I nod and agree with them optimistically. It would be nice if they could, because they’re really independent and very busy with activities and friends that they truly enjoy, but I have to face the reality that I’m going to be stepping in more and more often.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them. I’m glad that hubby thought ahead and realized that me getting an outside job would be impractical even after the kids start becoming more independent. We’ve thought it through, planned for a few different scenarios, have a pretty good understanding of what changes might be coming for all of us in the future.

It’s different to face the reality, though. No matter how well you think it out, it doesn’t evoke the same emotions as actually experiencing it. All conflicts and difficulties are surmountable in theory, and you can prepare yourself magnificently for changes and compromises when you’re making practical plans.

People who’ve seen me in emergencies and tough situations that need strength and certainty know that I can pull it off like a pro. I swoop in, do what has to be done, take care of the things that need to be taken care of, make the arrangements that need to be made, negotiate, comfort, do battle, even, when needed. I’m the cool head, the one who knows what to do, the fixer. Hail the conquering hero! I wait until everything’s taken care of, everyone feels better and has been settled in, “my work here is done.” And that’s when I have the time to think, “ohshitohshitohshit. . .” My wonderful hubby helps so much, picking up the slack at home, letting me vent, helping in any way he can. But even with him, my muscles tense up. My fears and uncertainties come out in dreams and disturb my sleep. I wake up with pain in my neck and ear from clenching my teeth at night.

This will pass. I know it will. It always does, as the new thing becomes just another part of my life. It’s the change that’s hard.

Jun21

Miscellaneous Stuff, I Guess.

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Miscellaneous Stuff, I Guess.

I really wish I were better at long-term planning. A lot of the yard work I have to do could have been done in the fall or in Spring, instead of staring me in the face now shouting the accusation, “You have the sloppiest yard in the neighborhood! Everyone with nice yards hates what you’re doing to property values!!!” No matter how long I’ve worked at silencing the inner guilt-inspiring voices, some of them still come back to haunt me!

The fish pond is low on water, so it’s the perfect time to vacuum it out and cull some of the brown shubunkins and retrieve things that fell to the bottom before refilling it – and this should be done before the marginal plants die of thirst, too.

My duct tape double is mostly stuffed, and it wouldn’t take more than a few hours to finish it, secure all the tape ends, and make a cover so I can start sewing clothes for myself that fit right. I have a pile of t-shirts that are all ready to remake creatively, but since I haven’t had the time, I hit Target and restocked on new ones.

I’ll need to run the vacuum around the house before the Smart Carpet salesman comes tomorrow, too. We’re going with the least hassle option – carpet – because it’s the thing they’re least likely to mess up installing. They said that they wouldn’t charge for new installation, but we’d have to pay for an upgrade. The thought of these guys fouling up on the installation of an even more expensive floor was too much to bear. Nobody seems to want to tell us if we’ll get any kind of credit for a less expensive floor (since carpet is generally less than laminate) but if they say no, we’re going to get the best carpet and pad they’ve got. I’ve been researching, and I’d like to get PET or PTT polyester. They’re not as plush or long-wearing as nylon brands like Stainmaster, according to the experts. However, I’ve had Stainmaster, and not only was I not terribly impressed by how well it stood up to wear, I also had a terrible problem cleaning it. Yes, the stains come out, but so does the dye. One of the reasons it’s popular is the variety of colors it comes in, but because it’s easy to dye, it’s also easy for the dye to be sucked out. I can get almost any stain out eventually, but I’m not interested in making up a matching dye so it’s handy to re-color the stupid spots. The PET and PTT polyesters are also made from recycled plastics, so I like that, too. So we shall see tomorrow.

I’ve also really been wanting to finish up my polymer clay color samples and refine my clay/fabric decoupage technique, but the art studio has been acting like a garage lately. Not only do we have the stuff that needs to be kept until we sort it and arrange it logically after we finish the walls and wiring, but we had to put litter boxes in because of Spencer’s poor hygiene habits, and all the stuff from the living room/office and bedroom had to go somewhere while the floor guys were futzing around.

I haven’t been sitting around doing nothing, though. (Well, I do, but mostly after I’m tired from NOT sitting around doing nothing all day long!) Audrey and I rode to the bike store and got baskets put on our bikes, and rode to the supermarket for a two-bike-basket-size trip. I’ve been back and forth to the pool store trying to get the sludge out of the water (I love what happens when the water pipes get cleaned in this town!) I created more yard waste by trimming a big tree out front and pulling up the junk from underneath, and have been planting and moving things. I’ve been in the car to visit a friend for a day, take the kids to the dentist up north, take them to art classes in Red Bank at Colorest, then back to drop off the art I forgot to bring for the show, then up again for the show itself, to Monmouth Feed for pond supplies, doing laundry and hanging it to dry, teaching Audrey how to do applique on one of the items we picked up when we went thrift-store shopping. . .and I did clean up a lot in the garage so I could get to my clay (that took an entire day, in between hanging up laundry!)

I think that we’re going to haul one vanload of brush over to the recycling center, then I’ll take care of the fish, and then I’ll spend the day being an artist. I see a couple of cool showers in my future. . .