So. . .here’s the update. Late Friday, after I’d had a really good, productive, satisfying day, the Adderal started to wear off. It was gradual, but there was no question in my mind that I could feel the change creeping up on me, and it made me very melancholic. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong, and it finally occurred to me. . .you know those movies where the guy is blind and is cured by some amazing operation or drug, and he experiences the wonders of sight for the first time – but it goes bad, and the movie ends with his sad descent back into darkness? That last part – that’s what it felt like. My mental processes had been so clear, my energy and motivation so high, my positive feelings about my ability to do the things I’d put off until they became daunting so strong! Bit by bit, though, the thoughts started intruding on each other again, tripping over each other, and I started looking at the undone things, the ones that sneer and mock me, instead of all the progress I’d made. Fortunately, coming to this realization that it was just going back to “normal” and that it would all be better in the morning helped. We just hung out and relaxed, watched some TV, and amazingly enough, I slept like a log.
When I woke up Saturday (day four with Adderal) I felt pretty refreshed, a little stiff and sore from a combination of activity and a long hard sleep, but ready to go. I took the pill after breakfast, and just as the old feeling of not having gotten enough sleep after all began to bother me, the medication took the edge off it, then eliminated it. The day was slow to get started, just a lazy Saturday without any real plans, kids sleeping in, and so on. After everyone was finally up, though, we decided to go out shopping. This is something we all really enjoy doing together, believe it or not. Comp USA is closing most of their stores, so we went there to see what was on sale (not much, actually, or not much that was worth getting) then I popped into a shoe store next door, and when I found out that the shoes were all 50% off the MARKED price, hubby took the kids down to the bookstore so I could browse some more. Then we went across to Best Buy, where we indulged ourselves with new CDs (mostly). I even remembered which ones we’d talked about getting. Woohoo! An early, overpriced dinner at a chain restaurant, then off to the mall to get a couple of other things, then home to watch a movie. It was relaxed, no time limits, no particular expectations, and I really enjoyed spending the time together. We were walking the mall when I started to feel the diminishment of the Adderal, but it didn’t get me down the way it did the night before. I knew there was nothing else I wanted to do that day that I wasn’t already doing, and I also knew that Sunday would be another good day. Oh, and one other thing I noticed – while I was waiting for the kids to finish getting ready to leave the house, I sat down with a book. It wasn’t until I’d put it down that I realized that I hadn’t had to re-read a single page. Reading has been very frustrating for me for some time because I’d get to a point in what I was reading and realize that I didn’t remember a single word because I’d been thinking something else at the same time. I’d have to go back until I found where I’d lost track and start over. Sometimes I’d end up re-reading enough times that I’d just give up. This way is much nicer.
Today I woke up feeling pretty darned good – I hadn’t dropped off to sleep immediately the way I did Friday, but it was still pretty fast, and again, it was a long, almost uninterrupted sleep. Got the bagels, read some newspaper, gathered up the polymer clay stuff and the eldest daughter, and never even felt that creeping tiredness. We headed up to Lincroft and enjoyed a lovely three hours, made some things, learned some things. . .and I remember the techniques I watched people talk about and demonstrate, because I could pay attention to them without getting distracted. Usually, I see something that looks like it would be fun to do, and while I’m supposed to be learning how to do it, my mind is racing frantically around trying to figure out how else I could apply the technique, so I end up not really grasping how to do it in the first place. As with the reading, this way is much better. Audrey and I headed up to Whole Foods for a late lunch, did some grocery shopping, and I remembered everything that was on my list, even though I left the list at home (because if I brought it, I’d cross off the stuff we got and bury the list in my purse, and there were a number of non-Whole Foods items on it, so I’ll need it for later. Not because I forgot. Heh.) Finished reading the papers, and even though I was approaching the end of my 10th hour, it was still a little easier to read without getting sidetracked. Not perfect, but better than usual. Quick dinner, get the kids to practice their music, then we’ll watch Doctor Who (gotta love bittorrent!) and I might even be able to stay up later than the kids tonight.
Other good stuff I’m noticing is that certain habits are easier to resist while the drug is effective – might be able to lose weight and get my skin cleared up if I can get a dose that works the whole time I’m awake. Plus, I’m not spending nearly as much time vegging in front of the computer – not just because I’ve been keeping myself busy with other things, but because it doesn’t have as much appeal. Even when I’ve got time to do nothing in particular, I’m reading or finding something else outside of blog and forum reading to do. I have to stick with this dose for a full month, and we’ll see how it works and how to tweak it when that month’s over, but so far I’ve had nothing even marginally bad enough to outweigh the good.