Author Archives: Alison

Mar4

Pursuit of Normalcy!

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Pursuit of Normalcy!

The myth. . .the legend!

I had an epiphany in therapy yesterday.  Part of the reason for my depression, for my need to medicate myself, came from wanting to be normal.  Along with not caring so much what people say and allowing that to prevent me from speaking my mind, getting older has led to the thought that. . .Hey!  I’m not normal!  I have ADD!  No matter how many medications I take or how much therapy I go through, them’s the facts!  Deal with it.  I’ll function as best I can, but I’m not going to be like everyone else.  And I’m going to stop beating myself up about it.  Fact:  I’m going to forget things easily.  Fact:  I’m going to be easily distracted and leave a wake of partially-finished stuff everywhere I go.  Fact:  I’m not ever going to think linearly.  Fact:  My house is not going to be as clean, my desk and other work areas are not going to be as organized, I’m going to forget names, need reminding of dates and appointments, and have wild swings in mood and energy, and IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!  It’s hard-wired into my brain, and while I’ll work on coping skills, if I mess up, I’m not going to beat myself up.  No more thinking I’m a failure when I forget my shopping list.  No more wishing I was more like this person or that person. 

The interesting thing is, I’m off my Paxil – and last time, I couldn’t stand the zaps (the sudden overwhelming bursts of dizziness that come with SSRI withdrawal, for those who don’t know.) this time I’m kind of having a fun time with them.  It’s like my brain is playing Pong in hyperspace.  I’m going to avoid driving until they’re gone, try to sneak in a bit more sleep, and I know they’ll be over and done with in a few days.  I’m looking forward to those bursts of intensity where I get so involved in something that I need to set an alarm to remind me when to stop.  I’m realizing that the key to dealing with the ADD and avoiding the depression is to just go with it, and to keep things simple.  Lower the expectations that are imposed from outside, anyway.  Anything that has to get done, if it really has to get done, will get done.  And if things are still left on lists, well, that’s what lists are for.  I’m looking forward to the first time I realize, truly and deeply, that I didn’t do something as well as someone without ADD, or I forgot something inanely simple, and I shrug my shoulders and go on. When I understand that it’s not a character flaw or an indication of my failure as a person, just me being me.  Because I’m looking forward to it, I know it’s going to happen.  And I may even remember to write it here!  Woohoo!

Mar2

ADD Sucks.

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ADD Sucks.

I had forgotten why I went on Concerta in the first place until this past week, when I had to stop taking it. It had worked so well on allowing me to focus and concentrate and even just to think in a straight line. Now I remember – my ADD has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and I’m really having trouble functioning mentally. I’m either totally focused – at best, on something productive; at worst on something time-wasting – or I’m off in all directions, overwhelmed, unable even to complete sentences. Not only is this frustrating in and of itself, but it irritates me to sound stupid when I know darn well that I’m highly intelligent. Mentally, it’s like you know you need the scissors – the scissors are in the desk – the desk is in the office – and you open the door to the office only to find a 6-foot pile of books and papers and boxes and junk blocking your way to the desk. You start off the thought or the sentence with a clear destination, a beginning and an end, and somewhere in the middle, the mental floodgates open and you’re blocked with an overwhelming number of other thoughts that are connected with the origin and the destination but that impede your progress insistently. I’m thinking about the scissors, but the books and papers and junk are all screaming at me “NONONO!!! THINK OF MEEEEEE!” And despite this, I know I want the scissors. I know they’re there. In fact, I know EXACTLY where they are. I just can’t get to them, so I stand in the doorway stock-still, staring at the pile.

The problem is that, clearly, I can’t take the medications that are stimulants, because they have side effects I can’t tolerate (my heart was not particularly happy with Concerta. . .) but I can’t take the non-stimulants and my Paxil at the same time. I don’t know if I have the options of being focused and depressed or scattered and emotionally functional, or whether a non-stimulant ADD medication will help the depression by allowing me to think straight. Gotta call the doctor.

Feb28

News That Ticks Me Off!

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News That Ticks Me Off!

In the Ledger today, there were three somewhat related pieces (at least I feel they can be strung together.  .  .)  First, a proposed measure to put GPS bracelets on released sex offenders, since they’re transient and often don’t register in compliance with Megan’s law.  Can everyone say. . .DUH?  And in the editorial section, a brief history of Terence Lynch, a fellow with a penchant for spanking boys’ bare buttocks, who, despite having a record of this and being easy to track, ended up working job after job where he was supplied with plenty of young boys in need of “discipline”.  Look folks, these guys are not going to stop, they’re not going to reform.  Letting them out and expecting them to do as they’re told and play by the rules is naive and short-sighted.  We don’t need any new rules or equipment or anything to keep track of them after they’re released, we need new laws that keep them in, for good.  The very fact that they can be rated as to the likelihood of re-offending indicates that someone in the penal system is well aware that these sickos are going to do what they do – and not tell the neighbors or let the police know when they move.

Now, down in this neck of the woods, there is a woman who, up until this summer, was a man.  Lilly McBeth, nee’ William McBeth, finally fulfilled his wish to change his gender.  As a man, he was a substitute teacher in Eagleswood for three years, and was, according to the published accounts, a fine teacher.  Suddenly, (s)he reapplies for the same job, just looking different, and the parents are up in arms.  At the BOE meeting, several parents were quite vocal, saying that they didn’t want their children to be exposed to this.  Geez, it’s not like she’s going to be teaching gender transition as a subject.  Probably wouldn’t even mention it unless it came up.  >And<, she’s transgendered, not a pedophile.  If they kept track of the pedophiles the way they did this woman, a lot of problems would be solved.  The kicker is the guy who took out a full-page ad in the Tuckerton local paper urging people to come to this meeting and raise holy heck.  Seems that this guy has a particular objection because gender reassignment goes against his religion.  Well, why are your kids in public school if you want them to have a religious education?  Sheesh.  Get with the program, mister.

Switching directions, but also along the lines of stupid legislation mentioned in the first paragraph, the NJ Senate just approved, 33-0, bill S1218, which is a school junk food ban.  OK, no candy or chips or soda, that makes sense, but check this out – it bans any food product that lists sugar as its first ingredient.  This can make the lawmakers look like crusaders for the good of our children without ticking off the high fructose corn syrup lobby and the lawmakers it supports!  Woohoo!  Get real.  Check the junk food labels in the supermarket – you can count on one hand the ones that even >have< sugar in the ingredients list at all.  And if they do, it often follows the high fructose corn syrup.  But I’ll bet you that the Assembly will be just as quick to pass this as the Senate was, because it’s all about how well it spins.