I had forgotten why I went on Concerta in the first place until this past week, when I had to stop taking it. It had worked so well on allowing me to focus and concentrate and even just to think in a straight line. Now I remember – my ADD has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, and I’m really having trouble functioning mentally. I’m either totally focused – at best, on something productive; at worst on something time-wasting – or I’m off in all directions, overwhelmed, unable even to complete sentences. Not only is this frustrating in and of itself, but it irritates me to sound stupid when I know darn well that I’m highly intelligent. Mentally, it’s like you know you need the scissors – the scissors are in the desk – the desk is in the office – and you open the door to the office only to find a 6-foot pile of books and papers and boxes and junk blocking your way to the desk. You start off the thought or the sentence with a clear destination, a beginning and an end, and somewhere in the middle, the mental floodgates open and you’re blocked with an overwhelming number of other thoughts that are connected with the origin and the destination but that impede your progress insistently. I’m thinking about the scissors, but the books and papers and junk are all screaming at me “NONONO!!! THINK OF MEEEEEE!” And despite this, I know I want the scissors. I know they’re there. In fact, I know EXACTLY where they are. I just can’t get to them, so I stand in the doorway stock-still, staring at the pile.

The problem is that, clearly, I can’t take the medications that are stimulants, because they have side effects I can’t tolerate (my heart was not particularly happy with Concerta. . .) but I can’t take the non-stimulants and my Paxil at the same time. I don’t know if I have the options of being focused and depressed or scattered and emotionally functional, or whether a non-stimulant ADD medication will help the depression by allowing me to think straight. Gotta call the doctor.