Actually, it’s a lot better this morning. i’ve had a few days of horribleness, but the amazing thing is that it’s affected my mood only the way a normal illness or bad headache would. I’m not feeling sorry for myself or angry at the world or any of that silly stuff, except for South Dakota. yeah, I guess I’m a little ticked off at South Dakota. But that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, the zaps are fewer and further between. The dizziness is still an issue. I told hubby that i feel kind of like Derek Zoolander. it’s worse when I turn left. So I don’t turn left. This makes me laugh almost as much as “The clock says. . .MOOO!” (Carolyn thought I’d gone off the deep end. She wanted to know what time it was, and hubby said to her, “Well, what does the clock say?” and that’s what i replied. Suddenly, the idea of Speak and Say toys was hysterically funny to me. i was completely alone in that regard.) i’ve been taking Advil every day, and yesterday’s nap was 5 hours long. I’m having a little trouble with slurring my speech, although i don’t feel a physical problem with it. it’s as if i’m doing everything right, but the sounds that are coming out of my mouth aren’t the ones i’m absolutely certain i’m making. This too shall pass.

I can’t honestly say this bothers me terribly, but it does make me a bit uneasy to read support websites about Paxil withdrawal. i know that it’s awful – and far, far worse for other people than it has been for me, certainly. however (and i know I shouldn’t start a sentence with “however”) the deep, seething rage that some of these people are feeling towards the medication, the company that made it, and the doctors who prescribed it is very disturbing on a number of levels. First of all, you went to the doctor with a problem. The doctor gave you a prescription for a medication that had been shown to help with the problem. You took the prescription to the pharmacy, filled it, and took the medication as prescribed. It must have helped, because you kept taking it. One of the things a good therapist would be working on with you is taking ownership and control of your life and its issues. The eventual fact that this medication had side effects and withdrawal symptoms is completely separate from your going to a doctor, getting the prescription, filling it, and taking it. Villifying the drug company and the doctors will have no effect on your eventual healing, because it puts you in the position of being a blameless victim, helpless and unable to take charge of your life. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with then going to Glaxo-SmithKline and joining a lawsuit because they didn’t thoroughly research the possible side effects and withdrawal complications. However, to drop completely into an abyss of self-pity and powerlessness, the purpose of your existence to rail against the doctor, the drug manufacturer, and the drug itself for ruining your entire life, is completely counter to the reason you asked for help in the first place. It’s all about getting better, IMO. One of the main reasons I stopped taking the medication was that I was getting jerked around – I couldn’t get the dosage I needed, then I could get it, but only in generic, then I could get the brand name, but only in a different formulation, then I could get that for only a few days because they were out, etc. “Fine,” I thought, “go find someone else who’ll jump through your stupid hoops, GSK and Aetna, because it’s not going to be me.” I had already stopped the Concerta, which made me very sad because it had helped me so much, but which also put me back to being distractable enough that playing the “Paxil, paxil, who’s got the Paxil?” game was just too much.

Now I’m going through withdrawal, which is awful, but far less hellish because rather than getting angry about it and trying to figure out who’s more to blame, I’m just trying to prepare myself for the duration of the symptoms I have, and for the other possible ones that might show up later. Instead of dwelling on what’s going on now, I’m waiting it out and looking forward to the time it’s over. I’m working on how I’ll cope with the ADD without drugs, and trying to find a system that will work in the long term, all the while pumping myself up to no longer be an apologist for the way my brain works in its natural state. I yam what I yam. So there. All these other people, though, who are making this drug odyssey the focus of their lives and perpetuating a situation that’s going to keep them depressed, though – I’m concerned about them, because they’re not working on getting better. Getting better should be the point. Of course, I won’t say this in any of the forums, because this would clearly be a minority opinion, and expressing it in a room full of hostile people wouldn’t be in my best interest!